A reader writes:
For about half a yr now, I’ve had a colleague (let’s name him Dave) who has a number of unusual quirks. He tends to search for my response at a variety of issues different folks say, after which touch upon the way in which I react. For instance: one other coworker or my boss makes a joke and I snicker (whereas others are laughing too) and Dave seems at me, factors and says, “Oh, you positive are laughing” or ‘“Look how onerous Jane is laughing.” Truthfully it makes me very self-conscious about smiling/laughing within the workplace, regardless that earlier than that I used to be actually blissful/felt fortunate that we had such a jovial, enjoyable surroundings to work in.
He additionally has another quirks resembling by no means washing his dishes (to the purpose we now have to place his espresso in a paper cup as an alternative of a glass one, as a result of he’ll depart dishes to actually rot on his desk) and making mean-spirited jokes about my boss, who’s presently going by means of most cancers remedy. (Not that it will be nice if he wasn’t going by means of most cancers remedy, but it surely simply seems like he’s kicking him when he’s down.)
On prime of this, Dave just lately “got here out” as an empath. He defined that it meant that he feels feelings far more deeply than different folks do and thus will get overwhelmed simply. He’s absent fairly often because of issues resembling not having slept properly or having a chilly, issues different folks nonetheless are available in for.
Is there something I may presumably do to make him cease making these feedback with out making the workplace an uncomfortable place to be in? Ought to I inform my boss or grandboss about these items I’ve seen? Or ought to I simply let it’s? He’s very chatty, so I’ve needed to have headphones in nearly continuously throughout work, which in flip makes it tougher to shortly talk with coworkers.
There may be additionally an opportunity I’m simply overreacting or don’t perceive it. Full disclosure, I’m autistic, so I don’t actually perceive a variety of social norms. Anyhow, thanks.
Ugh, Dave. I believe you’re understanding him simply nice. He feels like a garden-variety jerk whose picture of himself (as an empath!) doesn’t match his precise habits.
I ponder if you need to use his “empath” self-image to get him to cease commenting in your reactions to issues. For instance: “I do know you’ve talked about you’re empathetic and care quite a bit about folks’s emotions, so can I ask you to cease commenting on my laughing or different reactions I’ve? It makes me self-conscious, which I do know you don’t wish to do.”
And when he makes a mean-spirited joke about your boss, be happy to let your response illustrate the way it’s touchdown:
* “Ouch, that was imply.”
* “Whoa, that’s not deserved.”
* “Yikes.”
For what it’s value, “empath” is mostly used to imply somebody who has a better diploma of sensitivity to the feelings of others. It doesn’t imply “colds and lack of sleep are tougher on me than they’re on different folks.” It additionally doesn’t imply “I really feel my very own feelings far more deeply than different folks do.” If something, it feels like Dave may be the other of an empath.
